The Epic Tale of Lavi
by FallingBreathless
Summary: Was a crackfic for fun started at 1 in the morning that became too serious. AU. HUMOR. ACTION and EPICNESS. In which Lavi is the normal one, Kanda...is strange...and Lenalee is stranger. Allen's character is kickbutt, and they all end up living in a crappy apartment together and defeat the Earl who is a Maffia Boss. Debts suck. Romance? Nobody's got time for that.
1. Into an Alternate World

**The Epic Tale of Lavi**

**Chapter 1: Intro to an Alternate World**

**~FallingBreathless~**

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_This is supposed to be a CRACKFIC...BUT IT'S TURNING INTO SERIOUS-CRACK. This means that there is plot, and there are intense scenes._

_ Other than that, Lavi is the main character, and he is the "normal" one of the bunch. The characters are mostly left in tact, but I messed with some of them more than others. AU. The first story I'm writing in which romance will not be playing a role. Sorry, if you were looking for a lemon. BUT THERE's ACTION AND RIDICULOUSNESS AND WITTY(?) BANTER! AND SEXINESS...and UNEXPECTEDNESS!_

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Night had fallen upon the city of Fort Frankenwieners once again. It was a large metropolis built on the intersection of three rivers that fed the economy and greatly boosted trade. A web work of bridges crisscrossed the strips of blue that were now black, refusing to reflect the waxing gibbous moon that shone from above. The flower-shaped purple stars pulsed dully, and over all the temperature was balmy, letting the smell of exhaust and the hot dogs from the corner street vendor to permeate into the air.

There was a sniff and then a deep inhalation. High above the ground, perched upon a hotel's water supply, Lavi Bookman relished in the sense of being alive. He shifted and his converse sneakers squeaked loudly against the angled metal sheeting that the roof was comprised of; he curse –not wanting to be heard or worse, seen. Standing up he wobbled precariously as the large prop hammer that he'd borrowed from circus fell from his belt loop and skidded down, falling into the alley below. It landed with a harsh clang on what Lavi judged to be a dumpster, upsetting a few local felines in the process. Well, there went his cover.

Swinging his arms out and about, he regained his balance enough to jump onto the solid concrete roof. He readjusted the pink headband he'd borrowed from his friend, moving the strands of his fire red hair out of the eye that wasn't covered with an eye patch. Jogging to the corner of the building, he crouched and got a firm grip on the pipe and slid down into the darkness.

Feet landing into dirty ditch water, Lavi grinned as he spotted the hammer. It was rather large and bulky, but it was at least lighter than it looked.

"Now, how many screw ups does this one make," came familiar voice as Lavi grabbed his lost object. Glancing around, with a start, Lavi found the speaker leaning against a wall in the shadow: Kanda.

"Jesus, you scared me there for a second."

"Che" the other replied, pushing off of the wall and leaving the shadows to walk closer.

Once again Lavi wondered how the heck the Asian guy could manage to hide in the shadows with his outrageously bright, teal blue hair. It was put up into a high ponytail and moved back and forth like a pendulum as the other walked. "Anyways, did you manage to get what I wanted?" Kanda asked, cutting straight to the chase.

Lavi nodded, and proceeded to reach into the messenger bag he was carrying, only to be stopped by a glare from the other. "Not here. Back at headquarters."

**xXx**

"Welcome back!" A petite Chinese girl dressed in a tracksuit shouted as the two boys walked into room.

It was a small apartment building on the crappier side of town, but it did have three bedrooms, kitchen, and bathroom. Lavi had also hotwired them Internet and TV –the phone they never used. The furniture was worn and beaten down, mismatched…not that they cared very much.

"Thanks," Lavi called back as he dropped his bag onto the kitchen table. A few papers fell from the table and the girl groaned, causing Lavi to apologize.

"It's fine," the girl replied, coming over to reorganize her files. "Just don't make a habit out of it."

Nearby, Kanda, who had settled himself onto the couch, pointedly grunted. Lavi just rolled his eyes.

"Yes, yes your highness, I'll bring it to you immediately," saying so, Lavi dug around in his bag before he found what he was looking for. He chucked it at the back of the other's head.

Unerringly, Kanda's hand whipped around and caught the package, bringing the corner to his mouth to tear open. Lavi scoffed. "Kanda, you're such a freak when it comes to ramen."

The other just shot him an especially dirty look before ripping up the rest of the packaging and chomping on the dry noodles. They crunched loudly.

**xXx**

Once again, how the three of them ended up as roommates was beyond comprehension to Lavi. He was a Hollywood hopeful working at a circus, Kanda was an ex-gangster who'd saw the light of honor and Japanese culture worship, and the girl, Lenalee, was well…

He glanced over, watching as Lenalee sat at the table, plugged in her glass ball, and practiced trying to read the synthetic smoke swirls that shifted amorphously inside the sphere. From what he'd seen of the last three months the girl also read cards, palms, and tea leaves, made curse dolls, and made potions that always exploded into noxious fumes or enough sparkles to make a high school show choir team jealous.

"What's the fortune for the day?" Lavi asked, he'd started the habit of humoring her from time to time.

Lenalee squinted at the glass ball quite perplexedly as if she were taking an incredibly hard math test, muttering something that sounded like "Curse to unicorns and may your dick turn green and fall off" before replying in her fortuneteller/mystic voice that also sounded like she was high on something. (Lavi agreed with himself that he was imagining things, cause there was no way she actually said that…right? Enough of the communal drugs at the circus for him…)

"Much will change in the following week as you will meet a person who will change all our lives irrevocably."

From the couch Kanda scoffed as he licked the ramen flavoring from his fingers before licking the inside of the packaging.

"Our lives? Ha. I doubt it."

Fulfilling his word quota for today, Kanda dragged himself off the couch and walked down the hallway. The sound of a door slamming shut followed in a moment by the girly opening theme song for the anime "Lucky Star" signaled to the other two that they wouldn't be seeing much of the other for the next 6-8 hours –that is, if the other didn't decide to also sneak in some practice tossing plastic Naruto shuriken.

Lavi was still a bit puzzled by Lenalee's divination, as it actually sounded reasonable for once; the last ones had involved dragons, space travel, and love affairs with dead celebrities. He was probably thinking too much about it.

Yawning, he waved at Lenalee and went to his own room to practice reading some scripts. You never knew when Hollywood would come knocking.

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**Lenalee (angry): So you've turned me into a crazy, fortune-teller lady in a tracksuit...great. Now all I need are a few cats and then I can bona fide loony.**

**FallingB(grinning): Pretty much. And we can remedy the last one.**

**Lavi (cracking up): Oh please, do it! Haha.**

**Lenalee: *death glare* ...**

**Kanda (irritated): Leave, idiots. I want no part in this. *walks away***

**FallingB (sobers up): ...Anyways, please let me know what you guys think about the tweaks I made to the characters to make this classify as a crackfic. Also YOU WILL ALL BE SURPRISED WITH WHAT I DID TO ALLEN, Next Chapter! Oh and please give me ideas for stuff you'd want to see, like little scenarios. I'm all about pleasing my readers. Haha fanservice is a yes. ALSO, I promise that the next chapter will be a lot longer!**


	2. The Girl WIth the White Hair

**The Epic Tale of Lavi**

**Chapter 2: The Girl With the White Hair**

**~FallingBreathless~**

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_I am curious to hear your reaction to my new, crack characterization of Allen. Oh right, and yes, "Able" is an original character (OC). Finally, I own something! Right. I suppose I own the plot too. Haha. Writing at 2am, leaves one a tad...loopy._

_READ and REVIEW if you want updates~_

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By the start of the next week, they had entirely forgotten about the glass ball reading. Reality was knocking on their door like a loan shark.

"We'll get the payment to you by the end of the month, really," Lavi said, trying to keep the note of desperation out of his voice.

Outside of the door, the dark skinned girl frowned before taking the ballpoint pen from behind her ear to chew on it. Strangely, it made her even more intimidating. Not that she should have been intimidating in the first place.

To begin with she was only about thirteen years old and stood below five feet tall. But, then of course she had tattoos on her fore head like a crown of thorns, and she the fact that she was a loan shark at that age was scary. Well…she was not really the loan shark but simply one of the collectors, and she just happened to be the one in charge of their area. Same difference.

"I'm afraid, I just can't do that Mr. Bookman. You and your friends have developed a rather troubling habit of being delinquent on your payments. Mr. Millennium simply won't have any of that."

Lavi began to sweat.

"Give us a two weeks then. You can do that right?"

The girl's frown deepened for a second before she smiled, making Lavi sigh in relief.

"You have one," she replied, before giving a little cackle and running down the stairs.

Lavi leaned against the doorframe, not wanting to believe his ears. A week. If they only had a week…They were in some seriously deep shit.

**xXx**

He'd written a sticky note for Lenalee and left it on her glass ball for when she finally got out of the bathtub (Spiritual Cleansing Ritual, as if), and he'd left a message on his other roommate's cell.

Kanda had a hobby of waking up before even the pigeons in the park and jogging around the deserted morning city, that and some other hobbies that Lavi had not really paid attention to or could make sense of based on the collection of strange gear the other had. What does one really do with two eight-foot bamboo poles, a box of jacks from that children's game, and a bag of fake pineapples from Hobby Lobby? Really it looked like the start of a really bad joke or the end of a kinky night of sex…

Anyways, Lavi didn't care too much because the other never brought it back to the apartment. He just thanked his purple stars.

He hailed a cab on the corner and soon found himself forking over a twenty to the driver. Before him loomed the circus in all of its bright, loud, cheerfulness. It wasn't the worst place to work by any stretch of the imagination, but Lavi did not see himself sticking around.

"Hey, Lavi, ya get yourself a girlfriend yet?" Marleen shouted from the ticket booth.

She was a homely lady in her early thirties with frizzy copper hair and wore thick glasses due to her myopia. "I'm still available, ya know!"

Lave grinned and waved her off. Everyone knew she wasn't serious; she had three kids to feed and a long-time husband who'd also been her high school sweetheart.

"Yeah, yeah, I'll keep that in mind. I'm still window browsing for now," Lavi hollered back before shuffling towards the main tent where he knew he'd find Able.

Pushing aside the tent flap, Lavi found himself inside the main tent. The tent was undoubted huge and the area it covered was roughly the size of two football fields. A few trapeze artists were practicing their act high up above his head and beside near him a young boy was practicing his juggling. However, Lavi's attention was captured by what was going on in the main circle. Able was there dressed in a sleeveless t-shirt and cargo pants and arguing with a man Lavi had never seen before. It was weird because Able was a really easy-going guy and never got angry with anyone, even when the clowns had thought it funny to pie him in the face as an opening act one night.

But now, Lavi could here the circus master's voice rising as the argument seemed to have escalated. Naturally more curious than what was good for him, Lavi went over to see what was going on.

Closer, he noted that the stranger wore the kind of clothes that would cost him a month's pay, judging by the embroidery. Though, the shoes didn't match, Lavi noted; the guy wore sneakers that were rather beat up. However what really made an impression upon Lavi was the fact that the guy had red hair just like him, but grown out to almost sweep the floor, and on the guy's face was the most disagreeable expression. Arrogant and condescending as well as just plain mean.

"Lavi, what is it?" Able snapped, his anger carrying over as he noticed Lavi's presence.

"I was checking in with you to see what equipment you wanted me to take a look at before the show this afternoon," Lavi replied, diverting his attention over to his boss.

"Backup generator, main rotation engine, and the flame tracks."

Lavi nodded his understanding, but did not move to step away. Luckily, Able had turned his attention back towards the man who had in the meantime whipped out a thick cigar and was puffing on it.

"Cross. I said 'no.' I cannot agree with this. This isn't the place."

"It won't be for long, just a week," the other spit back, grumbling. "How do you expect me do get anything done when I have to drag the kid around?" The man named Cross exhaled out a breath full of chemicals, much to Able's apparent disgust.

"This place is too dangerous to have a kid running around. They could get hurt."

"The alternative is that I put the said kid in a closet, when the hookers arrive. You're choice."

Nearby, Lavi frowned. The man was a demon, who could force that on a kid? Apparently his boss thought the same thing because there was a long sigh, before Able spoke up again.

"Fine. Just for a week."

"Great," Cross smirked. "I'll be seeing you then. I took the liberty of dropping the kid near the animals." Saying so he turned and headed straight for the exit. Then seeming to pause on an after thought, he added. "Right, the kid's name is Allen. Give her my regards."

Then the man was gone.

There was a moment of silence as Able rubbed his temples, wishing he wasn't so much of a nice guy. Then, noticing Lavi, he frowned and gave the other a long stare.

"There's equipment waiting for you."

"Right," Lavi agreed, immediately turning to get to work, but then a firm hand on his shoulder stopped him. He looked up. "Is there something else, Able?"

The other sighed and for a moment looked lost, and then it was gone and the familiar steady look returned to the other's eyes.

"If I remember correctly the kid is around your age, Lavi. Could you find her and bring her over to me? I'll need to run through some basic rules with her."

Curious to meet the person that had been the center of the earlier discussion, Lavi agreed with alacrity, he jogged his way out of the tent.

**xXx**

He found the girl where Cross had said she'd be.

"Allen?" Lavi called, tentatively. The girl turned at the sound of her name and upon seeing him, studied him with visible interest in her sterling-silver grey eyes.

He wasn't above staring himself. She was a short girl, only a few inches above five feet with a shocking head of unruly white hair. She had a boy cut, but with the way her hair curled up at the ends, tufts of hair stuck out at various angles and it looked like she might have styled it with some hairspray to make them defy gravity. She wore a white, open-shouldered print-T, with some band that Lavi didn't recognize, that showed the black tank she wore underneath; this she paired with black capris and army boots. The only accessories that adorned her person were the neon green SkullCandy headphones around her neck and the three metal spikes of cartilage piercing and stud earring on her right ear. The spikes were each about an inch long.

Unlike other girls of her age, Lavi had her pegged down at about fourteen by appearance but knew from the earlier conversation that she had to have been older, this girl before him wore no makeup. There wasn't much color in her cheeks or lips, making her appear almost albino. It most certainly emphasized the long, narrow red scar that ran from above her left eyebrow almost to her jaw line.

"That's me. I suppose you heard from Cross," she replied, smiling. "Although I don't know your name."

For a second, Lavi was taken aback by the British accent and the fact that the girl's words were quite polite and good humored. It was a great contrast both to her appearance and to the man named Cross, whose company she kept.

"The name's Lavi," He replied with a grin. "I'm supposed to show you to Able who is the Ringmaster and all-around boss here."

The girl nodded, and he led the way back to the main tent. "Hey, so, what's the deal with that guy leaving you here?" Lavi asked.

"Cross doesn't like spending time around what he calls 'little girls'" She replied with a barely suppressed eye roll. "That means people who he can't legally get in the same bed with." Allen added to make sure the meaning wasn't lost on him.

"So he likes the ladies, eh?" Lavi replied with a whistle, stretching out his arms behind his head. "Not that I can blame him."

This time Allen did roll her eyes and look away.

"I sure can, though."

"Right."

There was a brief silence between the two. Not quite awkward but brimming with the potential to become so. "He does this often, then?" Lavi pried.

"Quite." The other sighed. "But, I suppose having his company might be worse in some aspects. At least this way, I won't have to cook for him."

Lavi started pitying the girl who, as he glanced back, was trudging in step behind him. It must stink to have that type of –um.

"Is he your guardian or something?"

"Unfortunately, at least until I come of legal age. He's not my father though," She clarified.

"Oh?" Lavi asked.

"I was left on a doorstep as a baby by assumedly my biological mother or father," She replied, voice perceptibly deflating as she talked. "I'd like to optimistically believe that they'd have left me in a baby hatch had they been legal in Britain at the time, but fortunately, I was taken in by the man who lived there. He, Mana, raised me as a son, and I lived with him until…last fall."

The last bit seemed forced, and it sounded more awkward that it felt tumbling off of Allen's lips. It wasn't a lie, but it was sort of band-aid that covered something that hurt even more than having been abandoned. She wasn't even sure why she was telling some guy that she'd hardly even met.

Lavi wasn't sure why he was being told this, but it was obvious from the expression on the girl's face that there was more to the story that she wasn't sharing. A small frown tugged down the corner of her mouth, and the way her right hand gripped the wrist of her left appeared to be some covert action to physically hold her self together.

"I am sorry," He replied, startling Allen. "I'm not sure what happened and you probably don't want to talk about it."

Allen didn't know what to say, so she just pressed her lips together. It wasn't everyday that she talked so much. It must have been the atmosphere of the circus that was affecting her. She wasn't sure what the other was sorry for, so she eventually just gave a curt nod of her head to indicate that she had heard and that she didn't want to say anymore.

She put on her best fake smile when they lifted the flap of the main tent.

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**Lavi: Debt?! Really? And to the Millenium Earl to boot?!**

**FallingB (grinning): Yes, yes really. Wasn't Road adorable? :3**

**Lavi (groaning): Why...?**

**Allen (excited): Wait, I have no debt for once?! **

**FallingB: *Nod Nod Nod***

**Allen (moved): I-I love you!**

**FallingB (blushing): I know ^/^ I'm the author of this story after all.**

**Lavi (irked): Ya know...You really shouldn't be so happy. After all Allen's a girl, now...and aren't you also a girl.**

**FallingB (realizes): Crap! Noooooo! *cries* ...I'm so dumb! TTATT**

**Lavi (laughing): Right. Anyways, drop me a love note in the reviews, and I'll make sure this author writes more. After all, I don't want to be in debt, that's kind of Allen's thing.**


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